my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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