he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
