burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
