It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
