Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
