I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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