My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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