i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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