he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
