Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
