I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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