dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
