To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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