today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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