We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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