I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
