He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
