this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
