I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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