didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
