No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
