My liver just broke up with me...
are you so shy because you have an std?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
