Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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