I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
