Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
