Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
