I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
