I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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