My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
