i need an iv and a liver transplant
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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