I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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