I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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