i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
