I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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