you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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