Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
