glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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