she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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