Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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