that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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