I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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