I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
