Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
