This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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