there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
