Do you still have your period?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
