the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
