fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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