sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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