So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
