So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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